Friday, March 21, 2008

who am i?

I have determined that two things exist that have drastic mood-altering effects on me..
1. the weather
2. music

Why would I start this entry with this realization? Mostly because my mood has never been so variable (or unstable) as it is now during my last semester of school.

I've been keeping the most deep-rooted concerns to myself lately... but I think it's about time I came to terms with them. Sorry for the wordiness or length of the entry, but I'm just typing what comes to mind.

School
I have become a lazy ass. This semester I have not put the same amount of effort into school as I have in the past. Sure, most people have said that in your last semester it doesn't matter, and that I should just try to have fun. School is a privilege that I shouldn't take for granted. This fact has recently become more important to me as a good friend of mine does not take it for granted, yet, he may suffer a scholastic setback because of some technicality in some stupid University policy.

Also, this semester is mostly group work for projects. I have two major projects and I feel like I haven't been contributing enough. I definitely feel like I could be doing more and being a more responsible group member. I don't know why I keep making excuses, but it's no longer acceptable. I need to keep up and to stop slacking because I am becoming the kind of person that I would hate and displaying behaviour that I would not normally tolerate in others.

Career
So I sent in my completed job application form and signed offer. I think I have finally decided to just accept that I will be working the oil and gas industry, at least for now. One year at this company is a good time period for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I do not want to work in the petrochemical industry forever, as it is personally unsatisfying work. I definitely did not research job options and that is due to my laziness and just general unawareness of the situation and how influential this decision would be on my life. I am really worried about getting stuck in a job I don't enjoy. Really worried. I am planning on doing graduate school now because I am more interested in the material that I'm learning this semester.. so the future looks brighter, but I definitely need to get my butt in motion and to stop taking the easy way out.

Relationships
I have made some stupid decisions in my life, but not as bad as what I decided to do this past weekend. I won't go into details, but I pretty much made such a bad decision that I cannot respect myself for what happened. I want to place the blame elsewhere, but then I would be someone even worse. I need to start being accountable for my mistakes. I also need to realize that people are not who they seem and that not everyone has the best intentions. These people need to be taught a lesson so that they do not hurt anyone. What does this have to do with relationships? Keep reading..

As a result of what happened recently, I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm very confused with my life in terms of relationships. I say one thing, do another. I like one person, yet go for another. I need to be the old Vicki and see everything from the simpler point of view. I want to be the non-pessimistic person, yet not over optimistic either. Take things as it happens instead of over analyzing everything. It makes that one special moment that much more special if I'm not expecting it. I want that feeling again.. the feeling of being appreciated and liked and not expecting it. You know the one.. the one where you can't help but smile when you think of that person even though it makes you look crazy on the bus... the one that puts that little energy in your step.. the one that puts a little happiness in everything you do. I want that again...

Fun
I have been going out a lot recently. I use the excuse that I want to see as many people as possible before I leave, but I feel like there's a deeper excuse that I'm hiding because I'm afraid to admit it. Living at home, I felt like a prisoner and that I was always missing out because I had to go home early, or because I just wasn't allowed out. Now that I'm on my own, I think I've taken my new found freedom a little too far. I need to regain control of my life and start leading an adult life.

Recently, I've been drinking more often and it's not something I think I'm glad about. I think I'm doing it mostly to fit in. The alcohol really does loosen one up, and it makes me very vulnerable which is starting to scare me. The more I drink, the more friendly and more talkative I get. If I didn't know me, I'd irritate myself.

It's starting to take a toll on my life.. physical and emotional wear is showing. Physically, my body just can't handle the late nights (especially since I stay up so late already). The physical wear affects my concentration and other aspects of my life. The emotional wear is mostly as a result of my actions while inebriated. I've done some stupid stuff while drunk and I am becoming less and less surprised with what I do while under the influence of alcohol; this is not acceptable. I have to be a lot smarter with what I do and say. A part of me wonders how far I'll go before something serious happens.. and then what?

I need to get back to the things that I really enjoy... playing games, karaoke, playing volleyball/squash, maybe get back into making music, drawing, reading, arts and crafts, making clothes, hanging out with friends.. anything that doesn't change who I am like alcohol seems to. It scares me that something like a drink can change who we are... I can control what effect it has by not succumbing to the temptation of social drinking. It can't change who I am if I'm not consuming it. I may do it on occasion, but only if I'm surrounded by friends that will watch out for me, which leads me to my next topic...

Friends
I feel worn out. I know I have a limited amount of weekends left so I've been trying to see and spend time with as many friends as possible. The result is a very tired Vicki. I think I need to realize that if I'm putting all the effort of trying to see people and others are not, that I need to be understanding. Not everyone has the time like I do this semester. Not everyone realizes how much I'll miss them when I leave. My life is what it is because of the company I keep. Everyone I've met in University has molded a part of my life in some way or another. At the Civil grad banquet, I felt bad for not knowing everyone, and therefore, I tried meeting everyone I hadn't yet. A little late yes, but I feel like at least I put the effort into trying. You never know who you're going to see again in the future. It made me kinda sad that I didn't try earlier, and that I won't be able to really learn who these people are and what they stand for. Meeting people makes me feel happy and learning what makes them tick excites me in that someone is willing to share their story with me. I feel very privileged to have been in these people's lives.

I will miss everyone from Edmonton and it saddens me to think of leaving, but it's a necessary step. I will meet new people in Calgary, but no one will displace the friends I have made in Edmonton. All the school friends (junior high to university) with which I've been aquainted, became friends, shared stories, laughed, cried, high-fived, hugged, supported, played games like Taboo and Tetrinet, played squash and volleyball, facebooked, MSNed, sang, made music, listened to music, drank, partied, danced the night away, had those late night conversations that you'll never forget.... they're gifts to me. Ones I'd never give up. Ever. I love all of you guys and I'll miss you like you wouldn't believe.

Posted by norwegian girl at 6:42 p.m.